Hello, I am Kaylana Nations and I would consider myself a survivor.
I was raised in a very low-income household. This in itself teaches you young to appreciate basic needs such as food, heat, and electricity rather than playing or being a young creative kid. Presently I would say I am much more playful to make up for that lost time. Along with growing up poor, I was never met with stability from my caregiver. I was forced to weigh my mom’s emotions and cater to her so I could get my basic needs met. This constant need to reassure has shaped the majority of my relationships. I feel I must make everyone around me content and happy for them to stay. This has allowed me to make very entertaining and silly relationships. At the same time when conflict occurs, I tend to carry it within myself. When I look back at my childhood it feels as though I never lived it. I was constantly jumping from house to house and school to school. I struggled to find any grasp of control in my life. I found that my sense of stability during that era of my life was my sisters and still is currently my sisters. They showed me what true unconditional love and protection was. No matter how crazy life got I knew they’d be there and that I could count on them.
Once I started living with my sister’s dad I found control in school as well. I strived to be a strong hardworking student and achieve academically to make myself proud. School was an escape for me and allowed me to be a kid.
Eventually, I was adopted into a very loving family. It truly changed my life. I finally had a chance to live and not worry about the love wavering. It’s been a journey trying to rebuild trust with parental figures and I’m still constantly working towards that trust. Past traumas still come up but I’m able to work through them in a safe environment.
This led to my current journey to who I am and who I want to become. I have consciously started to share my opinions and beliefs and I try not to worry about offending someone. This has sent me down a rabbit hole because, for the longest time, I considered that “who I am” is who I am for others. So if I stopped being a “people pleaser” I’d be left with nothing. It’s the same thing with forgiving my past. I feel my past has shaped me in such a beautiful and complicated way that if I close that door I’ve fully lost myself.
I moved out about 2 months ago into my apartment which has always been a dream of mine. I would always make little drawings of how I wanted my room to look. I wish I had photos of those drawings. This new stage in my life has forced me to ponder who am I when know one is around. What types of things do I like doing simply because it makes me happy not because someone told me It should?
Now that we are done with my life in a nutshell I’ll share some things I like to do. I do these things to start living and owning my life rather than surviving. I like to read and write poetry. I also love hearing spoken poetry and I hope to start writing and performing more of it. I also started crocheting about 2 years ago and love creating new things for myself and my family. Plus it’s nice not having to spend too much money on presents.
I’ve found a liking for scrapbooking not really with a meaning though. I just like gluing papers and images together to portray emotions. I like doing karaoke and I’m very disappointed I live in an apartment and can’t do it at home anymore. I love watching reality TV for background noise but I secretly enjoy it a lot. I like to organize and plan my days not necessarily because I need to but because I can use colorful pens. I like buffalo chicken pizza, wings, and tacos. Some little things I like are my orange donut-shaped lamp, driving around at night, throwback R&B, getting ready in the morning, spin class, wrestling, camping, fishing, ceramics, and the colors orange and dark blue together.
I can’t wait to get to know everyone’s unique stories and what everyone is trying to become in life!
Danni
I loved this, thank you for sharing.
Brendon
Hey Kaylana, thank you for sharing your story. This is the post that I resonate with the most. I was also raised in a household that was lower-income. It was/still is hard not to compare my life with those I know who have more money than us. One quote that has really helped me throughout my childhood is from Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This quote helped me look at my own life and appreciate all of the things I do have instead of worrying about what I don’t have. I feel like good siblings are a severely underrated thing in today’s society. My older brother and I did everything together and he was one of my best friends. I absolutely love your orange donut-shaped lamp, it’s not like an ugly bright colored orange but more like a pretty sunset orange too!
I just have a couple of questions for you if that’s okay. How old are your siblings? How are you working to overcome the idea of being a “people pleaser”? And where did you get your lamp from?
Kaylana Nations
I also love that quote from Theodore Roosevelt. A lot of my friends will come to me with their problems and at the end of their rant say but it isn’t that bad other people have it worse. I always tell them that it’s all about perspective and that you can feel just as strong emotions towards your issue as someone who you may feel “has it worse”. Comparison to me is one of the biggest human issues. To answer your questions I have 3 older siblings that are 23,21,21 and I have 2 Younger siblings still the same age as me though 18 and 18. In regards to people pleasing, it is still very present within me but I take small steps in valuing my time. Before when someone would ask me to go out or help with a task I would drop everything and change all of my plans so I could help them. It would often leave me stressed and overwhelmed. I now realize my time and what I want or need to do with it is in my control. Basically learning to say no. The next step to becoming less of a people pleaser for me will be not feeling the need to explain why I don’t want to do something. There doesn’t always need to be a valid explanation. So that is my little people-pleasing journey. I got the lamp from Temu and it was only like $20. I strongly recommend the lamp.
Abbigale Wheeler
Hey Kaylana, I really like how honest and forthcoming your blog feels, it does not feel like it’s coming from a stranger. I really resonate with what you said about finding yourself and trying to find things you genuinely like to do, not just that other people think you should like. I look forward to reading more of your blogs in this class. 🙂
Madison Sawyer
I relate on your decision to stop worrying if you are being a people pleaser. I myself used to say or do things that I didn’t fully agree with just because I was overly concerned with upsetting someone or my most prevalent issue, thinking that by disagreeing I was embarrassing them. People pleaser actions are indeed tiresome and I was hiding who I really was. It is a great thing to overcome because you no longer stress about others, not meaning that there is no consideration, but we just are not exhausting ourselves over the small stuff.
Kaylana Nations
Yes! I love how you bring up that it doesn’t mean we are inconsiderate to others. Allowing yourself to put yourself first definitely felt like a moral struggle at some points.
Madison Sawyer
Of course! There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first, people tend to label that as being selfish but at the end of the day, you have to live for yourself and not others.
Alaska gal
Hi Kaylana, I thought your story was beautiful and I am happy to hear that you are finally in a place where you’ve begun to enjoy the little things in life. It’s really fascinating to see how you acknowledge the good that came out of your past even though it seemed far from good or easy. I really like your cat sweater and the stuffed animal you crocheted. I’ve been wanting to learn how to crochet for a while now but with school and work haven’t been able to find the time. I would love to be able to make myself and my friends cute sweaters and hats. I too also used to do scrapbooking to express myself and my emotions in a way only I would understand. It’s awesome that you just recently were able to get your own place, I’m saving up right now in hopes of moving out by spring. I’m excited to see more of your blogs in the future!
Kaylana Nations
Hopefully you are able to find time to learn to crochet and if you do I’d love to see your projects!
Dallas Meza
Hi Kaylana, I really enjoyed reading your story! The way you describe how your past has had this impact on you being a “people pleaser” I very much relate to that. Being the “fat” friend has always been hard me, I felt like I always had to put on a fake smile/laugh or really just anything to show people that I wasn’t hurt by what they said or did. I always told myself if I tried being their friend and doing everything the ask of me than I might not for once get judge for the way I look. I’ve definitely always struggled with that in relationships especially partners. People pleasing is very hard to overcome sometimes. I’m very happy that you have found your home and safe spot. I hope your journey through your future becomes better and better!