Who am I becoming is a difficult question for me; it elicits a painful response and yet a hopeful one at the same time. I am late in my years, and it has been a very long time since I have had to ask myself this question. I have spent the last 20 years of my life thinking not of myself, but of my children and who they are becoming. I would best describe my younger self as someone who didn’t have any grand ideas or high ambition. I was more of someone who lived in the moment, or someone who tried to just find purpose in everyday life. Having children changed that perspective for me. For myself I was content with mediocracy, but I expected so much more out of my children. My hopes and dreams have been so much higher for them than they have ever been for myself. I have not had to think much about myself past who I was as a mother or wife. I have been a stay-at-home mom for the last 18 years.
When I was in my early 20’s I attended college in California and received an associate degree. However, I put any of my previous aspirations on the back burner to pursue marriage and motherhood. It has been a great gift to be at home with my children, I have zero regrets. However, this gift of marriage and family that has been so rewarding has also been filled with sadness and loss. I moved to Alaska with my soon to be ex husband 13 years ago. The last 13 years of my life have been spent in a very toxic, abusive and increasingly physically violent marriage. I have been in weekly therapy for the last 9 months, weekly group trauma therapy at church, which brings me to who I am becoming today. I am becoming strong, I am becoming someone hopeful, I am becoming someone who has boundaries, I am becoming independent.
I gravitated towards the social work degree program due to my current circumstances. I was desperate to find something I could invest myself in and to be able to provide for myself and my children. I wanted something that I could be proud of, something my kids could be proud of. I had looked at various UAF degree and training programs multiple times and nothing had stood out. I was feeling very discouraged with having to start all over. Then one day I remembered I had an associate degree and that I didn’t have to start from the beginning. That realization opened a bunch of opportunities in bachelor’s degrees. I had looked at the social work bachelor’s degree program and it just really stood out to me as something I could be good at. I have had the most wonderful people come into my life and help me find the right resources to be able to find my way through my current circumstances. I hope to one day be able to help someone else find the resources they need to navigate wherever they find themselves in need.
Brendon
Hey Danni, thank you for sharing your story. Wow, first off this quote from your post literally sums up me “I would best describe my younger self as someone who didn’t have any grand ideas or high ambition. I was more of someone who lived in the moment, or someone who tried to just find purpose in everyday life.” I don’t really have a plan for my life, which is kind of the reason I’m taking this class. I am very sorry for your current marriage situation and I pray for your road to recovery. I’m glad that family is so important to you, your kids are very lucky to have you as their mom. I love my younger brothers (10 and 11 years old) and we do a lot of stuff together.
I have a couple of questions for you if that’s ok. What church do you go to for your weekly group trauma therapy? How old are your children?
Danni
Hey Brendon, questions are always welcome:) I attend Journey Christian Church and the pastors wife Dellie who is a licensed therapist has been conducting the group trauma therapy classes. They are Tuesday nights, however they are set up to follow the book “Try Softer” so each week is working on different things. I think she plans to continue to do them as they have a pretty impact on the people who go and many are there just from word of mouth. I have 6 children total, the older 4 are all boys. My oldest is 19, he is in the military, stationed in texas. Then I have a 13yr old, a 12yr old and an 8yr old. The youngest two are girls and their ages are 6 and 4.
Abbigale Wheeler
Hey Danni, I am always really inspired and happy to see those who have been out of college/the education system for a while getting back into it with new aspirations. It makes me feel better about not having everything figured out yet in my life. With your story I think social work sounds like a great calling for you, especially with you experiencing peopling coming into your life in your time of need and you wanting to return the favors to others is very admirable to me.
Rayanne Alick
Hi Danni, I found your story to be very moving. I do not know you personally, but I do see that you are resilient! I am genuinely happy for you and this new journey you are enduring.
Thank you for sharing, As another person who has also been a victim and a witness in DV, I think that your story is truly inspiring
Danni
Hey Rayanne,
Thank you for your warm comment, I don’t feel very resilient, but I am still here:)
Myah Sundby
Hi Danni, I really enjoyed reading your story; it was genuine and honest. I have experienced many forms of abuse and can relate. I have no way of knowing how you feel or what you are going through, but I hope all good things find you in this journey of growth and healing. I am proud of you, and from the feelings of this post, you are doing fantastic (: You will make waves in this field with your empathy and confidence, and I cannot wait to learn alongside you.