Una latina que no podia, pero ahora puede

Growing up I was the only Latina in an all white family. I know you’re probably thinking that I was adopted or something along those reins, but no after my mom divorced my siblings dad she met mine at one of his gigs where he performed. My biological dad is a man who left his daughter to pursue his dreams and never looked back. You might have heard this phrase before about Mexican fathers “Went to get milk and never came back” or really anything to do with milk. Supposedly leche(milk) is how Mexican fathers are looked at. I never understood why there is so many phrases on how Mexicans or Hispanics are shamed for their ethnicity like it’s a bad thing. It’s not I’m happy to be myself and I love my culture and I enjoy very much all that comes with it.

A quiceanera is a celebration for a young girls 15th birthday, It symbolizes a girl’s entrance into womanhood. She is given a bible/rosary, tiara, doll, shoes and Jewelry. The Bible and Rosary represent a strong foundation of faith. The Tiara represents the young girl becomes a princess before God and her family. The doll symbolizes the end of childish ways and her entrance into womanhood. The pieces of jewelry are earrings serve as a reminder to listen to the words of God and the ring symbolize the circle of life and the passage that she will go through. The heels pave the way to being an adult. My quince was the best celebration ever and I’m eternally grateful for my mom who gave me that day to celebrate my culture with my friends and family.

This was the time I’ve seen everybody there, the last time we were all together. Two days after my quince me and my family packed two hauls and n

ever looked back. 24 June 2019 was the day I said goodbye to friends since pre-k and family since birth. Moving to Alaska was very emotionally and mentally draining I stopped being the same girl I was in Texas and I started to care What people thought of me and it got worse.

I haven’t always felt like I belonged growing up I was too white to be Mexican but too Mexican to be white. None of it ever made since to me I was just a bilingual kid who didn’t understand why all eyes are on me. Being the only Latina in my household was a struggle the only time I really could speak Spanish where someone understood me was at school in San Antonio, TX. It was crazy that I felt uncomfortable to be myself in my own home, my mom never judge me for who I was but my siblings definitely always had something to say. Moving to Alaska back in 2019 it was definitely a really hard transition for me especially come to find out in May I was one of 3 hispanic kids out of 176 kids to graduate, THREE! Being the second hispanic girl in my graduating class was a wild thing to experience. I’ve always known I was different but it felt like a slap in the face to be only one of three, being hispanic in a predominantly white high school in Alaska made me insecure or scared to be myself.

CORGULLOSA DE SER LATINA!!!

I’ve always been scared of what other people think of me, But it’s not really because I care what they think; It’s because I didn’t like who I was. I hated the way when I was having a great time I had a double chin. I hated the way my cheeks get so chubby when I would smile. I hated the way my stomach showed in tight clothes. I hated the way when I looked in the mirror I got discussed at what I saw, Like how did I let it get that bad. Why does depression take a toll so bad on your mental and physical well being. 

I remember the exact day I fell out of love with myself  February 8, 2020. I was being cyber bullied by a girl who I’m guessing just didn’t like that I existed. So I tried to take myself out of existence. You most likely understand what I mean by that. I wanted to see my nana, it’s been too long without her. All I wanted to do was wear her arms around me and feel the comfort in her presence and the warmth in her smile. All I wanted to do was find a better existence, The one where she still existed. 

There are parts of my childhood that I really don’t remember, But all I know is that little girl was the happiest she had ever been. She didn’t care what people thought about her or what they saw her as. She was the little girl who played barbies every day, Had a bow to match every outfit. She had a family that loved her the way she loved herself and all those around her. From age 1-14 She was untouchable; nobody could get to her. Sometimes when I look into the mirror I don’t notice the reflection. If there’s one thing I have learned in life, It’s this; self harm is not the answer. We all look for the easy way out. Some just get lost looking in the wrong direction.

 I’m majoring in Social Work so I can help kids who are struggling with their home environment and or struggling in there mind and hope to seek a person who will spend every moment of the day helping them until they are able to conquer all on there own. I’ve always loved being around children since I could remember, one of my biggest goal till this day is to be a mom and support my kids and be there rock. I’ve been a teacher at a daycare for two years now and watching those kids come so far in life and in age and in every aspect has been the biggest honor ever. I am very grateful to be Ms.Meza during the week and Tia on the weekends.

Who am I becoming? Hopefully someone who makes her mark on a million hearts and never forgets who she is!