New beginnings

After 19 years of living, I am finally entering into a period where I’m coming to terms with my past, and beginning to have an idea of what I want for my future. I am the second oldest of 5 children, and I check every stereotype of being so. With my older sister being the picture-perfect example of a child any parent would be proud of, and my three younger brothers being absolute angels sent from heaven in the eyes of my mother; that only left me to end up becoming the “troubled child” of the family. So my adolescence experience was anything but fun. I was constantly held to standards I would never be able to meet, I was grounded for almost 4 years straight, and I felt like there was no one in the world who had my back. My father passed away when I was 5, leaving my mother to raise my siblings and me by herself. She met my stepdad not even a year later, and by the time I was turning 7, he was living with us. To help paint the picture, this man is 18 years older than my mother, was raised in the South, was in the military, and was an alcoholic. I would say during this time, things started going downhill for me. I had no respect for my mother and our relationship was anything but a good one.

   For the next couple of years, my house felt like a prison. There was a constant battle between my mother and stepdad, and on top of that, I was getting into trouble at school, getting bad grades, using drugs, and being depressed. By the time I was graduating high school, I felt like I had no purpose in life and felt like I was doomed to be the failure my family made me out to be. I didn’t enjoy doing school and did not feel like I was ready to tackle college, but my mother made it clear that I could either go to college and continue to live at home or move out. I wasn’t in any position to leave, so I applied to UAF and prepared myself for another 4 years of school. My first year of college was rough, I struggled to stay on top of class and ended up falling behind in all of them. I remember staring at my computer screen looking at my grades and feeling defeated. I ended up having to withdraw from two classes and failed another. I was facing losing all my scholarships and possibly getting kicked out of my house. I went into one of the lowest points in my life and felt more alone than ever. 

  The next couple of days went by, and I came to a realization that I had fallen into the exact scenario I had been afraid of my whole life. I grew up always feeling like I would never amount to anything, never achieve anything, and ultimately become the disappointment my family had made me out to be. I was very unhappy with the way my life was playing out and with myself. I knew I needed to make some big changes. I decided that I was going to lock into school and basically not have a social life until I was able to get my priorities straight. I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I struggled and shed many tears, but I was able to achieve all A’s in my second year of college. The satisfaction of seeing my hard work pay off gave me motivation. I became really interested in the Justice system and interpreting law. I took a couple of justice classes and became hooked. I’m now currently pursuing a bachelor’s degree in justice, with hopes of going to law school one day. 

  I have now started to go through life with a different perspective. I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t change the past, and let go of a lot of anger and sadness. I had to forgive myself for losing hope and thinking I had no control over where my life was headed. I now know that I do have some control over who I’m becoming. I’m becoming someone who can defy expectations, someone who can overcome hardship, and someone who will do something great in this lifetime.