Where I come from
My name is Joshua Clayton Fine. I was born and raised in North Pole, Alaska. My dad was a Staff Sergeant in the U.S. Air force and my mom was library intern at North Pole High School when I was born. I spent the majority of my young life in the libraries and schools that my mom worked in. I think that early exposure to books and education is what led to me being the information sponge that I am today. When I was four years old, my sister was born. I remember hiding underneath the cushions of my family’s old couch so I could surprise her when she got home from the hospital. She was my first friend. We grew up together and spent the vast majority of our young life outside experiencing Alaska. Even today, I spend most of my time outside exploring the state. It has always been my way of escaping the hectic environment of work and responsibility. I remember my early childhood as a happy time for me. I had a loving family around me and an imagination that could always keep me busy.
Growing up, there were many people that were responsible for planting the seeds of the principles that I hold today. My dad taught me responsibility and duty. He valued reliability and honesty and made sure that I understood why they were important. My mom imparted on me her value of knowledge and compassion. She taught me to question things and to care for others, even those that I may not agree with. Finally, the person that shaped me the most. My grandfather, endearingly called “Pop pop”. He was a great man and was involved in my life from the day of my birth, to the day of his death. He was a drill instructor and civil engineer in the U.S. Air Force during the Vietnam war. Pop pop taught me professionalism, but also taught me the importance of having fun. Looking back now, I realize that he was the person that showed me how to be respectful to others and to keep things just a little goofy. I have included my favorite picture of him; you can see his shirt is tucked in and his boots were shined, but he was still able to pop the slickest playground wheelie that I have seen to this day. The perfect blend of professional and fun.
Who I was/am
After graduating high school, I joined the Alaska Air National Guard. Thinking retrospectively, this is where my true challenges began. I had become increasingly impulsive through my teenage years and now that I had an “Important” job, I became conceited. I started engaging in very risky behaviors and betraying some of the principles passed on to me from my family. I damaged my relationship with my sister and the rest of my family, as I felt I had better things to do than spend time with them. I started drinking heavily and partying with people that were not my friends. Additionally, I became self-absorbed. I didn’t care that my actions could effect others. All of this led to a DUI in 2018, followed by two adultery charges from the U.S. Air Force and, finally, an arrest while deployed to Guam in 2020. After my arrest and subsequent court-martial, I elected to to enter a rehabilitation facility called Chris Kyle Patriot Hospital, In Anchorage.
This is a song that I have always associated with the period of time between these two paragraphs. The lyrics are powerful and his voice has a haunting sound. It really embodies how I felt at that point in my life. I revisit it often to reflect.
While in rehabilitation, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It helped me to take better responsibility for my actions, knowing that I could now put a name to what partially contributing to my poor decision making. I graduated from the rehab program and felt like a new person. Shortly after returning home I scheduled with my very first therapist, Linda Thai (Who I have the pleasure of blogging about next week). She challenged me to shift my perspective on the world and chase my dreams. It was during this time that I met two individuals at the outdoor hockey rink that I tend to skate at in Fairbanks. It was a man playing hockey with another man, who was disabled. I asked to play with them and they welcomed me. While playing, the man told me that he worked for an outreach program for disabled adults. I eventually asked him what drew him to the career field. He said “I just like to help people, I used to be in the Army and I hated all that. So i just kinda…I don’t know…I left”. Less than a year later I had separated from the military and was certified peer support specialist with a behavioral health agency in Fairbanks. I consider myself to have returned to the principles that were so important in my early life. Through work in the field I have gained some new principles as well. I now truly understand the importance on boundaries, both at work and in my personal life. I have gained a new sense of wonder and humility, as I have begun to understand the complexity of every individual person. But, to me, the most important thing that i have learned is that the world is not black and white. It’s deeper than that and now I take time to really ponder things that I may have rejected in the past. I have changed, I’d even venture to say I am a better person for it.
Who I will become
Who I will become is ultimately up to me. I have shifted defining aspects of my life before and that seemed impossible to do at the time. I didn’t think that I would just be able to walk away from the military, but I did. I didn’t think that I could just switch career fields and succeed, but I’ve been there for two years now and going strong. If you told me three weeks ago that I’d be writing this blog for a college course, I don’t know that I would have believed you. But here I am, typing away.
I know what I am capable of now, I know where a little bit of drive can take me. I’ve learned to jump on opportunities when they arise. Every day I grow more as a person and as a professional and I hope that “Future me” retains most of the traits that I have today, but I also hope that he picks up some new ones along the way. I could still be less judgmental, less opinionated and definitely less stubborn. So, I will continue to grow and learn from those around me, it’s what has gotten me this far.
Additionally, I feel that having a career goal would give me a sort of guide as I uncover those possibilities. So here it is, I want to become a licensed clinical social worker, specifically in Fairbanks. I want to work with individuals from my own community so that I can do my part to make Fairbanks a healthier and more equitable place. This class is the next step in the winding staircase that leads to that goal and who knows, there might even be more steps once I reach it. I am excited to find out.
Sarai Gomez
Josh,
Wow.. you seem to have lived a lifetime and a half. Its a lot to go through during your younger years and what is more impressive is the fact that you had enough insight to recognize that you needed to change your behavior. I feel that many live in a way that causes harm to themselves and others but blind themselves to their mistakes and don’t take accountability. It took a lot of courage to self-examine, and for that, I commend you.
Robi Naranjo
That song was so touching, it gave me goosbumps. Thanks for being so vulnerable! I also was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and have spent time in treatment. I think the most helpful people I’ve met in healthcare are the people who have had an addiction themselves and you will help a lot of people, especially your background in the military, thank you so much for sharing your story.
Sharla Huckabey
Josh,
Thank you for sharing your story. Many times in life, our life goes for a huge spin. I am so glad you were able to get into a facility to get the help you wanted. It seems you have been able to find a path that works out better for you. I enjoyed the song you shared. It is deep and really makes one think about where they have been. I wish you the very best in your career.
Bell Voseberg
I loved reading about your past and how far you have come; I believe your grandpa would be so proud of you today, even with your past challenges. I’m excited for you and your goal as an LCSW. Overall, this was a super touching story, and I know you will be able to help so many people in the future. Thank you for sharing.
Ian Miller
Josh, love your story and your self-reflection. It is great that you have met wonderful people along the way to guide you, especially Linda. Two thumbs up, she is wonderful. I am not sure if she still runs it, but if you haven’t experienced her Y12SR (Yoga 12 Step Recovery), be sure to give that a go.
Your ending paragraph with your career goals felt very embedded in who you are. I hope that every single goal is achieved and that the journey is as rewarding as I anticipate it will be for you.
I also wanted to say that I am sorry that your military experience ended in the way that it did. It is difficult to put into words what that kind of ending feels like, it hits us in very personal ways (at least it did for me). I wanted to ask you, and if you don’t want to answer that is okay. Do you feel separating the way you did was, in a very strange way, the way that you needed to separate? I hated my military ending, but for so many reasons I honestly feel that it was exactly what I needed.
Josh Fine
Ian, thank you for reading! I may not have worded it well, but I actually ended my military career with an honorable discharge after completing my contract. I was an active national guard member, so the position that I walked away from was technically a military coded civil service job…it’s very complicated to explain. It was tough to walk away from though, Eielson AFB was where I spent the majority of my young adult life. The point that I knew I really needed to move on, was when I was in Afghanistan. I had the realization that I was fixing planes that would later take off with a payload and return empty. I didn’t want to be involved in human suffering anymore. But to answer your question, while I am not sure I should have been given a 5th chance, I am at least glad that I was granted one.
I am sorry that your military career did not end in the way that you would have hoped. Much like pieces of art, the way we view moments in our lives depends on how we frame them. It seems that you have been able to frame that moment positively, in a way. After I publish this comment I will be headed over to your blog so I can understand your meaning a bit better.
I no longer work with Linda, but she had been trying to get me to go to yoga from day one. I guess I’m just a little bit stubborn.
Ian Miller
“I no longer work with Linda, but she had been trying to get me to go to yoga from day one. I guess I’m just a little bit stubborn”
I like those sentences so much because Linda is her true self with every person she meets. And she is never deterred by all the people who are just not ready to experience what she is offering. I found myself saying the following to people all the time: “at some point I just stopped resisting all the hippie nonsense”. All of it can help if you believe it is right for you.
“The point that I knew I really needed to move on, was when I was in Afghanistan”. That statement hits very hard for me. I wish I would have ended my military service after my tour in Afghanistan, following that deployment is where my love for what I did kind of went away. I knew I didn’t like it, but my focus was on making it to 20 years and I prioritized that over doing something that was more in line with me.
Alex Beaudouin
Josh,
Thank you for sharing your story and life in so many ways. It is not easy to write about ourselves, especially describing our lows and excessive drinking. It is humbling to read about you. I do think that social work is the path for you because you can relate to people’s lives and mistakes, without judging, and have empathy. It is extraordinary about your metamorphosis. Sometimes life takes us on a path that is twisted but eventually, we come out with extra awareness about our strengths and weaknesses. We know ourselves at the deepest level. I thank you for your service and salute you for who you have become and for the next steps in the staircase of your lifelong climb to success.