Meeting Myself
I sincerely appreciate the bitter irony in writing a blog about the person I am becoming for a class that I am now taking for the second time. I originally took this class as a first semester Freshman in the fall of 2019. It was one of four classes that I took that semester but it was the only class that I actually finished, and I finished it with a very hard earned C. But here I am now, taking SWK103 again because a hard earned C does not transfer to my desired MSW program. After learning about that mild inconvenience, I reached out to my previous instructor to inform her of this fun lil situation I have found myself in, and this is her response: “It will be a wonderful journey of remembering and reconciling who you used to be vs who are you now” (L. Thai, 2023).
Rewinding back to 2019 and examining who I was at that point in my life is painfully humbling. I had recently separated from the military due to addiction issues after over a decade of service. I had no job, I lost my home, my marriage, and so much more. I was a person without an identity, I couldn’t even recognize myself. I took an opportunity to escape to Alaska to live with a friend who graciously opened their door for me. In early August 2019, I rolled into Fairbanks a hot mess of a human who desperately wanted to find my way out of the hole in which I had so efficiently dug myself into (or to dig it deeper and just disappear).
In May of 2023, I graduated from UAF with my BSW. There was a whole lot of stuff that happened between 2019 and 2023, more things than I want to type or you want to read about me. Condensing it all up into a sentence or two… I found my footing, kicked addictions, focused on small victory after small victory, met someone awesome, began working jobs helping others, and found a love for life that, for a while, I thought was gone. My partner and I chose to leave Alaska and we currently find ourselves in upstate NY and each day is a new beginning filled with a lot of anticipation for what is to come.
So here I am, back in SWK103, and I honestly believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Meeting myself in a way that I never would have thought of 4 1/2 years ago. If you were to ask me what have I learned about myself in the past 4 1/2 years, my answer would be very simple; I had no idea who the hell I was before 2019. That is saying a lot since I was 39 in 2019. The journey to the present has been fun and I appreciate every person and lesson I met along the way. In looking to the future and who I am becoming, I see a person who has broken the shackles of self doubt and fear. I see a person who has come to terms with a lot of pain, both externally inflicted and self inflicted. I see me, living in alignment with my own personal values and being a person of conviction. I will be a person who does not allow myself to exist in places that are not healthy for me.
Social Work
Social work called to me, because you know, broken people love to help broken people. But little did I know just how much this degree path would really help me help myself. The more I read and the more I learned about the human experience, addictions, ACE’s, trauma, and all the things, the more I was able to view myself in a different light, a kinder light. I learned to give myself unconditional positive regard. I began to see myself as a person who had made mistakes that did not inherently define me. I began to see that I was not broken at all. I was simply looking at myself through a lens that was designed with a lot of stigma that I would have to learn to shake off, and my own personal shame and guilt that I would have to heal my way through.
I enjoyed the YouTube video this week from University of Buffalo, Lauren McGowen, for two reasons. First, because U.B. is the MSW program that is making me take this class again. Second is because Lauren touches on when a person steps into social work and finds themselves in a place where their personal values finally feel at home. To me, a social worker is someone who seeks out the truth, at all costs. We need to continuously seek out the truth in ourselves, and be open enough to hurt our own personal feelings and beliefs. Social workers seek out the truth for those that we help, and we have to seek that truth on their terms which is not always easy. Social workers also seek opportunities to give a voice to those populations whose societal truths are not being heard, especially when that truth is inconvenient and uncomfortable. Social work is perpetual, it is constant effort and change.
I definitely found my home in social work. It feels good having my values and beliefs being in line with the work that I do. It feels good being surrounded by peers and cohorts that never settle for how things “have always been done” because there is always something that we can improve. This blog is supposed to have an underlying theme of the person I am becoming. Well, there it is… everyday, I will continue to try to be better than I was the day before.
- The title of this blog was quoted from the Monty Python movie of the same name. “And Now For Something Completely Different” (1971)
Michelle Sikma
Wow Ian! I absolutely loved your story! And from someone who works closely with our Veterans in Mental Health at our VA Clinic…. BRAVO!!! Thank you for sharing so openly. And yes, it is no coincidence that you needed to take this class again for one reason or another.
Ian Miller
Hi Michelle. Thank you very much, it has been a very rewarding journey. My end goal is to work with the VA in the mental health / recovery field. I feel that I am close to having worked through enough of my “stuff” to make that step into veteran services. Being a veteran with a substance use discharge is a challenge in so many ways. It sucks when a person knows they need help but there is too much shame in the way of asking for that help. Too many veterans simply accept what they see as what they deserve. Thank you for the work you do for us veterans, it is greatly appreciated!
Neveah Reese
First, let me compliment you on your writing. I enjoyed hearing your voice in each sentence and felt connected to your experiences. With that aside, I related a lot to how you explained not knowing who you were until you started your social work degree. I’m working on my BA in Child Development and Family Studies, which has truly taught me so much about myself. How experiences have impacted me, the funds of knowledge my family taught me, while also pushing me towards my passions and new opportunities. That’s the special thing about social work and learning about people. It shows you how similar and simple each of us are, but in the most complicated ways. Overall, I applaud you on your journey of self-discovery and finding your niche in social work. NY will be lucky to have you! – Neveah
Ian Miller
Neveah, thank you for you kind words and support. I also thank you for sharing what you have learned along the way. I really do love the kindness that this kind of work cultivates. It is so simple to be kind and supportive but for some reason people seem to forget just how far being kind showing genuine interest in others experiences can go. I think the part of myself that I learned the most is that this is who I am supposed to be. I love my military service, but it did not complement who I am, and that is a hard reality to exist in
Neveah Reese
Yes! Kindness is really the key!
Robi Naranjo
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! it was so vulnerable and I’m so excited you get to take this class again, you quoted L. Thai ,” you get to remember and reconcile who you used to be with who you are now.” it sounds like you have so much growth and resilience already, recovery is not easy and you are doing it! I love how you said that ,you see yourself as a person who made mistakes that do not inherently define you. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about your brokenness and healing, I truly believe there is wisdom found in adversity and hardships and I’m sure your going to have that grace and wisdom to bring to everyone you get work with.
Ian Miller
Hi Robi. Yes, in reading your post and comments, I think there are a lot of things we can relate on. I have always admired those who have done the work and turn around to help others. I think we actually learn the most when we are in the role of mentoring others to find their own way. I am happy that you also have found your way into a field where your experiences are not simply forgotten, but they instead sit with you as your own little light along the path you creating for yourself now.
Mel Maendel
Hi, Ian
Thank you for sharing with us your story. Taking and celebrating the small victories is a very important part of life and growth. As small victories are actually a big deal. I really enjoyed your story and that you got to where you are supposed to be in life. Congratulations on your growth and continues journey in finding yourself.
Ian Miller
Hi Mel. Small victories are wildly underappreciated. When we have our ups and downs in life, I see small victories as being what is most important. Yes, when I was at my lowest, I wanted to quickly jump to being up again and show the world how big of a victory I am capable of. But there would be nothing learned through that, it would have actually been a horrible lesson that would have eventually led to me be right where I was. Pushing myself every day to do the dumb little tasks that everyone takes for granted, and learning to be happy with that in that moment; that taught me a lot about what matters to me and what I am capable of.
Josh Fine
When I read the title, I was hoping that it was a reference to Month Python. I was not disappointed. I very much enjoyed reading this and can definitely recognize the irony. It seems that this class could be your BSW victory lap before you conquer your next challenge. I came to your blog from your comment on my blog because I was interested in how you seemed to reframe negative moments in your life into positives. There is plenty of evidence here that you don’t seem to let any hurdle stop you. You graduated with a bachelors degree 4 years after separating from the service. That’s just nuts, to me. You’re a force of nature, man. You are going to do great things and I am glad that we have the opportunity to learn from you this semester.
Ian Miller
Hi Josh. Thank you for everything that you said, it is greatly appreciated. I do see this class as being a victory moment, I see it as an opportunity to participate in ways that I was not capable of in 2019. I will say, reframing is a very powerful tool. It matters a lot when a person is able to take away the power of stigma and shame and guilt. Nothing can change what has happened in any of our pasts. But we can change how we allow ourselves to hold the mistakes we have made. Because, you know, we “always look at the brighter side of life” (Life of Brian, 1979). It is amazing how much wisdom we can actually pull from Monty Python. I am looking forward to working with you more throughout the course.
Maren Chaffee
Thank you, Ian, for opening up about your experiences! It’s admirable to see how you’ve persevered through life’s turbulences and are determined to retake the class. The experiences you’ve shared will undoubtedly make you an exceptional social worker equipped to help others genuinely. I appreciate your willingness to share and eagerly anticipate having you in our class.
Ian Miller
Hi Maren. Thank you. I definitely try to remain humble every day and keep myself grounded with the people we work with. It is very hard sometimes. I was telling another classmate that I have a hard time working with people in addiction. I think it is because I struggle putting myself out there with people and it not become an emotional investment. I think that is a long way of saying that I am still learning how to maintain healthy boundaries lol.