Forever Becoming

Who I am becoming is ever changing and expanding, and will for the rest of my life. I am 51 and I have learned more about myself and the world around me in the last four years than I ever could have imagined. I owe much of this growth to my children and, as crazy as it sounds; to social media.

I spent my younger years of my childhood here in Seward, AK.  My childhood was small and surrounded by whiteness.  I was exposed to very little outside of whiteness, in my family or school.  My parents were alcoholics and I didn’t feel safe so I turned inward and never paid much attention to the world around me.  I was not aware of my incredible privilege or of privileges that I lacked.  

  In high school in Seattle I struggled.  I wanted to do well, I wanted to get homework turned in, but I was impulsive and lacked the executive function needed. I got attention from boys and girls wanted to hang out with me so I clung to that and became the fun party girl.  I thought I was stupid, but really I had undiagnosed ADHD.

  After high school, I was lost.  I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  I tried going to college because I was told that’s what I should do, but I dropped out.  At 25 I found myself pregnant and decided that’s what I could do; I could be a mom!  I could focus on someone else and not have to try to figure out myself any longer.  Little did I know, being a mother would lead me to truly look at myself for the first time.

  My son is autistic and, from the time he was tiny, he refused to conform.  By first grade I knew public school was not a place he could learn so we pulled him out and began our homeschooling journey.  Our family leaving public school would be the beginning of me questioning everything, and I have never stopped.

  This questioning lead me to spirituality, to what I now know was white colonial spirituality and wellness culture.  I was taught to focus even more inward, that my thoughts could create my reality and I could manifest an abundant, perfect life.  I meditated, read self help, ate organically, used essential oils and became an anti vaxxer.  I was certain that vaccines caused my son’s autism.

  When our daughter was born, ten years after our son, we continued homeschooling which turned to unschooling and I continued seeking through white colonial spirituality.  My manifesting wasn’t working the way they promised though.  I felt an emptiness, a profound loneliness and I became a functioning alcoholic.  The other moms and I joked how we needed our wine every night, and I fell farther into separation and despair.

  I managed to get sober on my own and that was the beginning of another journey; the journey to figure out who I was without alcohol.  I read more self help, went to more spiritual retreats, paid more white spiritual healers who were appropriating other cultures.  I would find something that would help me for a while, but I’d end up empty, anxious, and lonely again.  This cycle continued through 2019.

  Then the pandemic happened followed by the murder of George Floyd.  We were stuck in the house quarantining and I was glued to Instagram to stay somewhat connected to the outside world.

I decided I would only follow accounts I could learn from. I followed scientists to learn about Covid19 and the vaccine. I followed activists to learn about white supremacy, systemic racism and what it means to be anti racist. These scientists and activists lead me to others that lead me to others and on and on. Now, four years later, I’m following Palestinian journalists posting footage of Israel inciting genocide against them.

I’ve learned that these issues are all connected; from the lack of diversity in my childhood to white colonial spirituality to the public school system to the genocide being committed in Palestine today. All of it can be traced back to colonialism, white supremacy and capitalism. I’m interested in social work because I feel overwhelmed by the state of our world want to find work that matters and can help make real change.

Free Palestine. Art by Saj Issa