The Rebel Without a Cause

In Athabascan, Nenana means “a good place to camp between rivers.” For most of my life, I have lived at the intersection of the Nenana and Tanana Rivers, in a small rural community of roughly 300 people. I grew up poor, but I had people who loved me, I had people who would go to the end of the earth and back for me, and I had people who tried their best with what they had and made it enough. It was a striking dissimilarity between me and most of the kids around me.

I was an angry 11-year-old. I was angry that I had to leave my hometown of Montoursville, Pennsylvania, and start over again in a new and unique environment. I went from living in a trailer park and attending a middle school of 3,000 kids in one of the wealthiest districts around to living in an old railroad house and attending a K-12th grade school with 8 kids during the rollout of no child left behind. I went from being a small fish in a big pond to a big fish in a little pond.

I was bored in such a small town. In school I was “advanced”, so I didn’t have to try. I only left Nenana about three times a year. I went to the doctor, I went to the dentist, and I went shopping for school clothes. The winters seemed endless and bland, so I spent a lot of time on my phone or watching TV. When the dark and cold subsided I went outside on my bike to fight the mosquitos that would carry out their brutal assault leaving me with bites the size of baseballs. After a while, it seemed like all of the days ran together. I told time by the passing of the two malicious seasons. During those years, I let depression, grief, and anger consume me because I thought that my life was over. It’s kind of funny to think about it now that I am an adult and have “real problems”.

I have had the privilege of having a good and easy life. I had a happy, healthy family that always helped me out when I needed it. I worked as a waitress in my teenage years and when I graduated as the valedictorian of Nenana City Public School I was able to rent and furnish an apartment. I bought a beater with a heater to call my own. When I enrolled at the University of Alaska for the first time most of my classes were covered by my scholarships and my partner paid all of the bills, so I just had to focus on college. However, about a year before I was supposed to graduate, I split from my partner. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have anything. I fell into a deep depression again that lasted for over a year. I told myself that at the end of the year, I would have maxed out my credit cards so I either had to kill myself or get my shit together.

I decided to get my shit together and it was really hard. I was stubborn and I didn’t want to learn all of the things I needed to be able to do to be a functioning adult, so I made it worse for myself. It was my rock bottom and some days I didn’t eat because I had no money in my weekly budget for food. I was so low that I had to stop stressing because I didn’t have the energy to deal with problems that were not happening. I started working as a teaching assistant and as a night stalker at Walmart. I bought a car from a local used car dealership and it was a complete lemon, so I bought a car for $500 bucks and she’s still my main source of transportation to this day. I moved to a different location and I was able to furnish my apartment with everything I needed.

I look back and I feel grateful. I stood up for myself and I showed up for myself, and I am continuing to show up for myself. I no longer experience grief in the same way. I see grief as the price to pay for experiencing the joy that occurred because of that moment or person. I also don’t let the sadness consume me to the point of self-destruction. I know that life sucks sometimes, but it also can have amazing moments and I always hold out for those. I think that I am still angry. I have always used my anger as a shield to slowly and steadily push me through. I think it’s because I am an Aries and the symbol associated with Aries is the ram. I feel more empowered because I can look back at my situation and see where I went wrong and what I could have done better. Taking accountability can be difficult for me, especially when it’s 99% the other person’s fault, but I can still see the part that I have played. I actively work to find things that bring me joy. I build and foster connections with safe people. And my favorite conspiracy theory is that all my dreams will come true.

Presently, I have graduated from the University of Alaska Fairbanks three times. I have two bachelor’s degrees. One is in accounting and the other is in business administration with a concentration in finance. Additionally, I have a masters in business administration. I have worked for the University of Alaska as an assistant auditor in the Audit and Compliance Services department for over a year now. I also work weekends in the floral department at Fred Meyers. When I am not working, I take classes at the university, spend time with my two dogs and two cats, visit my family, and work out at Planet Fitness. I am not sure I know what I want to do when I grow up, but right now I enjoy being alive and having the opportunity to work towards an amazing, happy, healthy future.