A Quick Synopsis of My Service
I served in the U.S. Army for over 16 years, enlisting as a 13R (Field Artillery Radar) in February of 2001. My intentions were to serve a four year contract that would allow me to escape my hometown, travel the world, get access to a college education, and learn a bit about life. I graduated from my Advanced Individual Training (AIT) in August of 2001, and I stepped foot at my first duty assignment, Korea, in the first week of September, 2001. I remember arriving to my unit, at Camp Stanley, on a Friday. My Section Chief, Staff Sergeant Martinez, told me to not go out drinking and to stay on the base that weekend because we had a two week training exercise that started first thing Monday morning. Monday, September 10th came, we convoyed out to our training area and I began my first ever Field Training Exercise (FTX). That first day was a busy day of traveling, setting up tents, OE-254’s (communications antenna), c-wire, conducting guard operations, and much more. Tuesday, September 11th, was much of the same, but with a lot of time spent digging and building defensive positions, and training for combat in chemical protective gear. Being 13 hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time, in a foreign country, in the field away from all TV’s and internet, we did not hear about the attacks on the WTC until September 12th. That was the day that started what would become a 20 year conflict in Afghanistan (OEF), and two years later, in February of 2003, came the initial invasion of Iraq (OIF).
My career for that next decade+ looked like everyone else’s, a continuous cycle of three year rotations to combat: 1 year of training, 1 year of deployment, and 1 year of personnel and equipment refit. By the time I left the military in October of 2017, I had served 1 tour to Korea, 3 tours to Iraq, 1 tour to Afghanistan, 1 tour to UAE/Jordan/Syria, and I had also been stationed in NY, CO, AK, OK, WA, & HI. In my 16 year career, I climbed the enlisted ranks to Sergeant First Class, was a first time select for Warrant Officer, and I also had developed the stereotypical drinking problem, a substance use disorder, two failed marriages, and had to submit a Resignation in-lieu-of Court Martial in response to my SUD. My separation from the service was, and still is, the most identity destroying experience of my life.
I am not Alone
I started this blog with my story because it is a story that is all too common, and the ending of these stories differ greatly from person to person. My story is currently taking a turn for the better, and I am on a path to putting my past mistakes to rest. But not everyone has been as fortunate as I am, despite them having access to the same resources that I have utilized. I have friends that have greater PTSD and other behavioral health issues than I have struggled with, but the military is very good at making you feel like seeking help is a bad thing. I separated in 2017, a time when there was a lot of societal push to recognize the emotional toll that our service members have endured, which allowed me to separate with a General Under Honorable Conditions. That separation single handedly allowed me to access my health and educational benefits. Even though I have sought out and utilized my benefits, I still have this deep feeling embedded into my being that screams, “I do not deserve these benefits, that I violated the Army Values, and that I unforgivingly have failed my fellow service members, unit, command, warrant cohort, and country”. The guilt and shame that I carry from my mistakes has kept me from being active in any VFW, American Legion, seeking out employment with the VA, or even keeping in touch with those I have worked with because I am scared of having to explain myself and the choices I made while serving.
Below is a great document that talks about some of the mental health issues that are prevalent within service members and the veteran populations.
Help is Needed
Currently, these days, most people either know a person who has served, have served themselves, or have had their lives affected in some way by a person in the Armed Forces. I am encouraged to see that the field of social work is pushing to be a part of the military community. The difficulties that service members, and their families face are unique in that their world is a culture reflective of, but very different, and separate of the world around them, with their own communities, laws, customs, and struggles. Then add to it the constant state of readiness for change that is expected of them creates a stress that most are not fully ready for. The military does a good job of trying to care for and protect their own but their needs are too high, and I personally feel that their vantage point is too close. I hope that more and more service members find their way to giving back to the military, and its veterans, through ways of social work education and employment. But I honestly think that building that wealth of knowledge and experience from the civilian perspective is a more holistic, and necessary step in bridging the gap of the two different worlds. By placing trained social workers, who are experts at navigating difficult to navigate systems, and finding ways to access resources into our federal systems, it aids in bridging that gap and it places a very needed layer of accountability on our government to fulfill its promises to those who have served, and their families.
This Just In: click on image for full article!
Changes like these are blessings for many who have previously been disqualified to access benefits. I personally always have found it to be counterintuitive to discharge service members due to certain conduct that is either not a crime (gender/sexual identities) or for crimes that are representative of a deeper underlying behavioral/mental health issue and then also deny them access to benefits that provide paths towards healing and personal independence.
Neveah Reese
Let me just start by saying your story and input really moved me. I don’t have any close experiences with the military, since no one in my immediate family has served. Listening to your words ran deeper than the textbook. Understanding how individuality is a hard step in the process of transitioning back into civilian life is very important when working as a military/veteran social worker. I agree that specific training for this type of work is needed. There is so much to be know about the culture, expectation, systems and processes, and so much more when working with veterans and their families.
Ian Miller
Thank you Neveah. Your posts and comments have been great all semester, you are a very supportive and caring person and social work is better off with you in it. Yes, that transition from service to civilian life is not easy, the military spoils you in that pretty much everything is taken care of for you. Transitioning to the civilian world is eye opening in that there are so many steps and requirements to make everything synchronize well. One thing I tell people is that accessing VA benefits feels so difficult it is almost like the government doesn’t want you to have them without working for it.
Sean McCrossin
I’m sorry that you and all who share similar experiences have to go through that. I appreciate you sharing something so personal with us and I’m glad that you’re doing better now. I think your blog should be shared with many and I hope you continue to spread this message.
Ian Miller
Thank you very much Sean. I think the hardest thing about working with anyone who is struggling with mental health issues, SUD, and other non-physical ailments is the inner voice that discourages seeking help and perpetuates feelings of hopelessness or nothing ever being able to be changed. The military is a very unique beast in that the training and every day environment required to prepare and sustain service members for combat is one that tries to eliminate weakness. That feeling of weakness being a personal flaw creates a sense of shame in seeking help. I know that all the branches have gotten better in encouraging people to take care of their mental health, but that does not mean that a person does not receive criticisms for taking time away from their job to make appointments. Then add to it all the people that do try to take advantage of or manipulate the system to avoid work, and you are left with a lose lose situation for the leaders of the soldiers.
John Da Broi
I want to thank you for everything you sacrificed during your service and I am very sorry to hear what you had to suffer through during that time. From having no one in my family who has served in the military it is very shocking to hear stories from individuals like yourself who open up about their deployments and how difficult it is sometimes to return home to now expected to live a completely different life.
Ian Miller
Hi John, thank you very much. There is a bittersweet feeling about being proud of my service but also struggling with the difficulties of it and how it all came to a very abrupt ending. I am hoping to continue to encourage others to speak up and share their struggles, because they need to be heard.
Michelle Dunham
Thank you for the insight into your life in the military, and the struggles that happen outside. …I didn’t include the below in my own relevant blog… but my own story is one I have never shared, but is now more timely than ever… things that make you go “hmmmmm…”
I was sitting in first class heading to the lower 48 many years ago. I had been working at ACAP on Fort Wainwright just next to Fairbanks. ACAP had SW’s to assist soldiers transitioning out of Military for one reason or another. Helping know know their benefits and job hunting. We rarely had the prescribed time to help them before they left due to many in leadership dismissing this as unnecessary.
I happened to be seated next to one of the Generals of the base, and since I am considered quite ‘cheeky,’ was forthright in my questions to him. I was curious as to the psychology behind the number of soldiers being discharged due to obesity.
“With the cold and darkness adding to these issues, were there any considerations to solutions in order to help minimize these types of discharges, among others?”
He had no straight answers for me of course, but I hope it provoked something. We can only plant seeds at times… so be it.
Thank you again Ian. I work at the VA and LOVE my Vets… I work in MH and am sitting in the front lines as first contact for all in crisis, and just seeking MH services for their struggles. All of which you have also endured. My heart breaks, but overflows to those who do enter our doors. Brave souls.
I have a sign I printed and put behind my desk for all to read. It set me free to seek my own MH when I could finally not take the load any longer. My Vets take pictures of it for later, as they also find hope within…
“Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being strong for too long.”
Josh Fine
Ian, thank you so much for sharing more of your story with us. Your ability to hold yourself to the core values of the Army, even after separation, is admirable. I hope that you can fully heal one day, I think that your story holds a lot of power and that it may help other servicemembers heal as well.
I had a relatively bad experience with military mental health and wholeheartedly agree that it might be best for members to seek help elsewhere. In my experience, there was a negative stigma to reaching out for help regarding mental health.
Awesome post, glad I got the opportunity to read it. You have been a wealth of wisdom this semester and I thank you for that.
Ian Miller
Thank you very much Josh. Yes, mental health is viewed as a lesser problem and it is often considered a weakness. It was a while ago, and I do not think the VA would endorse this speaker anymore, but I remember a motivational speaker saying something to the affect that if you didn’t suffer the loss of life, limb, or sight/hearing, then your injuries are not real injuries.
I knew that I had issues with my mental health while I was still in, but I never even considered seeking help. Even when my alcoholism and addiction started to spin out of control, I felt that keeping it all hidden was the easiest way to make it through. But things can go really bad, really quickly when you have the illusion of control.
It has been great getting to know you through this class. I hope you continue down this path of social work or other helping professions, you have a very welcoming way about you that will be appreciated greatly by both clients and peers.
Robi Naranjo
Thanks for sharing your experience and insight, it really helped reading this chapter and blog. I know lots of people who served including family but honestly, I never understand the lingo or have an understanding of the things that they talk about. The chapter was really great, explaining the different sections of the military and explaining military culture and identity, names and definitions, and special problems affecting military service members and their families.
Ian Miller
Yeah, the lingo is very overwhelming if you are not walked through it like we are in basic training and other schools. There is military doctrine regarding nothing but military acronyms. Then add to the problem by each military branch, component, and job having their own culture and language, I am surprised that anything gets done lol.
Christine Ryan
Thank you, Ian, for your raw personal story.
Thank you for your service first and foremost. You should never feel guilty about utilizing your benefit or seeking help for everything you have endured. Everyone deserves to decompress and be heard. My husband has been to the Middle East multiple times. The last time was in 2019 while I was pregnant with our second child. I can tell you he came home with extra baggage from that tour. I am a volunteer at the American Legion Post 30 in North Pole. This organization works hard to fight for the rights of veterans, and we have a resource available to you. Please know you are welcome, and the community would be grateful to have you visit us. Thank you for bringing more awareness to this issue. We need to have more options for therapy and groups. Sweeping these issues under the rug helps no one and your story is important.
Ian Miller
Thank you Christine. I am sorry to hear that you had to experience your husband deploying while you were pregnant. I never had kids, and honestly I do not know how people do it, leaving home for a year and knowing that your spouse and little ones are back home. That is a true sacrifice, for everyone in your family. I appreciate you offering the American Legion as a resource for me, if I was in Alaska still I may have reached out. I am currently in NY (upstate) and am looking to get involved in the VFW/AL here, I am ready to face that part of my life and make amends with myself because I know that my story is not the only one that needs to be heard and I would love to help others access resources and options and possibilities.
Christine Ryan
Wish you all the best in New York. Do consider getting involved in an organization that has your back and is looking for the best. American Legion fights for the rights of their veterans and it is much needed. Love that you are taking your experiences and creating a different experience for veterans, making them feel heard and valued.
Mel Maendel
Hi Ian
Thank you for your blog and for sharing your personal experience. Also thank you for your service and for holding yourself up to the values of the army. It’s sad that this is a common experience for people serving. I also like the layout of your blog as sharing your experience and then adding onto it with the information for the textbook really added more understanding to the topic.
Ben Woods
Hi there Ian, this blog makes me feel a mix of emotions but it’s a great blog post. Thank you so very much for your service and dedication to this country and its people! I don’t know the slightest of details of what military personnel go through on their deployments so I cannot relate but I want to say that I’m grateful for your service. It’s great to hear that military veterans now have access to the VA! I just got done learning about VA social workers and they seem to be pretty top-notch! Great post Ian!