This is coming from a small rural Alaska village girl’s point of view. I am reminded by my Yup’ik grandparents, “nalluyagiucaqunaku naken taillren,” which means to never forget where I come from. I come from Southwest rural Alaska, a small tundra village located alongside the Johnson and Kuskokwim River, called Kasigluk.
I was raised by my grandparents in this small Central Yup’ik community. I had lived most of life with my mother’s parents who taught me yukegtaungnaqsaraq and ellakengnaqsaraq – to be a respectful person and to be sensitive. These two topics are a part of our Yup’ik cultural values, but they are taught differently by families around the Central Yup’ik region.
I am very grateful for the values that have been taught to me by my grandparents. The main reason I have learned many values like these are because I was unknown to myself and I have come a long way of experiences, even as a young girl. At some point I will become brave enough to speak the details about my story and a few major events that happened in my life that shaped me into the person I thought I was.
For the past week, I have been asking myself questions that I have never thought to ask myself; Who was I? Who am I? And who am I becoming? I will admit, these questions are a bit difficult for me. Writing this blog is kicking me out of my comfort zone and I am reminding myself this will be a small part of healing.
Who I was makes me realize how far I’ve come. Before my grandparents took me in just as their own, I lived a whole different life with my parents in a different town. I had moved away from my parents due to mistreatment and being mentally and emotionally abused. Just as I mentioned, I am yet to become brave enough to admit all the trauma I went through. I will say though, I thought my mistakes and my fathers negative words defined who I was. I had to understand the reasons to why my parents treated me the way they did. They were young and have yet to heal from their own lives. They made me think I was simpleminded and a whole mistake. That wasn’t who I was, it was who I thought I was. I have forgiven them as a way for me to heal.
Who I am is someone who I am learning more about everyday. In the days and nights that come and go, I am learning and teaching myself to grow into the person that I know I can be for the better, as a friend, student, a daughter, an older sister, and for myself. I am growing into the person who overcame adversity.
Angliriinaqaatartua – I am growing more. Overcoming a lot with the help of yourself is not an easy process, you learn to accept what was and what is. I want to help others and show others they can do it too despite trails and tribulations in life.
Robi Naranjo
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I’m sorry about your parents and I wish them healing and your continued healing .I also was taken in by my grandmother who had very strong cultural values,I think that is so needed right now, I think,and with your personal experiences it will benefit all those around you. So excited for you !
Deandra Nicholai
Thank you for your kindness! No apologies needed, I have forgave what happened in the past, but I am yet to continue to heal, just as you mentioned. Thank you, again. I hope to get to know you more!
Danni Reuter
“Never forget where I come from” is a beautiful saying to remember. I love your pictures too; they look colorful and happy and rich with tradition. Healing from trauma is a journey but even recognizing you have stuff to process is a step in itself.
Deandra Nicholai
Waqaa, Danni! Thank you! I believe everyone can heal and are strong to move past all the trauma.
Simone Smith
Hi Deandra, Your post is beautiful! I so resonated with what you said about realizing your parents were young and hadn’t healed from their trauma. I have been able to forgive my parents by doing that as well. You’re so right that our mistakes do not define us, that has been a guiding mantra in my healing, how I see others and how I approach helping others. Looking forward to being in this class with you!
Deandra Nicholai
Hi Simone, thank you! Thank you, really. This assignment was a bit difficult for me to begin. I didn’t want to share too much because I am not yet ready to share more story. I am also looking forward to being in class with you.
Sammy Rivera Munoz
Hey Deandra,
“Never forget where you come from” is a phrase that resonates with me on a deep level. Acknowledging where we come from allows us to grow as human beings while remaining humble through the ups and downs of life.
I am sorry to hear how difficult your life has been, but I am extremely grateful to know that you have been healing from your traumas. My journey has also been a little rough, but I am working on healing while remaining positive that all of the pain is only temporary.
I look forward to being I class with you, thank you for sharing your story with us!
Deandra Nicholai
Waqaa Sammy! Quyana, I appreciate your kind words. I am also grateful that you are healing as well. I hope to get to know you more and grow with you and everyone else through our journey in this class.