Keep your feet on the ground, when your head’s in the clouds.“
I was sitting there staring at a blank blog post, for a few hours before these words ever started getting written. These words weren’t typed at my desk, prim and professional and proper like all of my other homework. They were written, by me, curled under the most plush blanket on my bed, scribbling in an old notebook like I was still in high school. Not all of those words are fit to see the light of a screen – or, god forbid, other people. Some of them were, though, and those are the ones I have for you here.
“Who are you becoming?” I had to laugh when I first saw the prompt for this blog post. How did it manage to be the one question I had absolutely no clue how to answer? The same question that’s been echoing through my head non-stop for months now, like a poltergeist no amount of self-reflection or exorcism could be rid of (believe me, I tried both).
I suppose, if I’m to actually answer this question, I need to start with where I am now. My name is Kori, and I’m a queer and nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns. I grew up mostly in the island chain that is Southeast Alaska, a location characterized by plenty of ocean coastline and excessive rain with fairly moderate temperatures. I loved it there – not too hot, not too cold, always raining and with ready access to an ocean to jump in. And yet, two years ago I packed my bags and left all that behind to move to Fairbanks and attend UAF. A landlocked Arctic desert that’s famous for it’s extreme temperatures. It is -30°F outside as I write this. Almost nowhere could be more different than the islands I grew up on.
I still ask myself from time to time what I was thinking when I made this decision – especially on days that are particularly cold. But I’m fairly happy with my life at the moment. I’ve surrounded myself with incredible people, got a job as a prevention educator with the university, grabbed myself a few club leadership positions, and generally had a great time. In what little free time I can spare, I enjoy working on my many novel drafts, reading about new developments in the field of psychology, and playing video games. Lately, I’ve been practicing on Smash Ultimate, and hoping to work up both the skill and the courage to join a tournament at some point in the hopefully-near future.
Video games have been a passion of mine for nearly my entire life. For the past few years, I’ve been incessant in my desire to work in the game development industry. While my specific goals had evolved over time, that one drive remained the same. It helped me get through some of the darker times of my life, pushed me to not only survive high school, but give it my all. I still love video games, and I still enjoy doing game development work. But I want to do it on my own time. Lately, I’ve come to the realization that game development isn’t the right career path for me anymore.
So what is?
Originally, my new plan was to shift my focus to graphic design, working on flyers and logos and other marketing products. I’ve been told I’m very good at it. I have plenty of practice, it’s something that comes naturally to me, and on top of all that, it’s enjoyable. The idea of entering any art field as a career has always scared me. That’s why my writing is a hobby instead of something I’d try to form into a career. But graphic design seemed like a pretty stable choice. I thought I had finally made a decision. Then came the rise of AI-generated ‘art’. And that sort of crushed any hope I had of making that my career.
So… now what? Now I really don’t know what I want to do. Well, that’d be a bit of a lie. I do know what I want to do – I want to help people. As many people as possible, as much as possible. Also, I’d preferably like to make enough money to stay alive and support my loved ones. How do I plan to do that?
I have no idea.
Seriously, my head feels like a rock tumbler with all the half-formed plans, concepts, and doubts bouncing around in there. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I have no idea who it is that I’m becoming. I have no idea what new challenges and perspectives and changes this next year is going to bring – not to mention the next five, or the next twenty, or fifty. I don’t know who I’m going to become – all I know is who I am now. All I can do is take the next step in front of me, and the next one after that. Build myself and my life, brick by boring brick.
Sun Tzu said “If you know yourself and know your enemy, you need never fear the result of a thousand battles.”. This statement has inspired me for a while now, and I think it rings true here. I’m going to focus my efforts on knowing myself and understanding my place in the world, and I’ll work through my future as it comes.
I’m going to follow my heart – trust that it won’t lead me wrong.
And we’ll see who I become along the way.
Robi Naranjo
Your blog made me smile! You are a great writer! I love how you wrote that you have no idea what you plan to do and the analogy you made about the rock tumbler with half forms plans, doubts and concepts. That was super cool. Nice to meet you Kori.